Soooo, i haven't really made a blog post at all this year. I am good at saying that i will make some, then do the whole abandon thing. When the year started i stood in cat shit when the clock struck midnight, was a possible metaphor and warning about how the year would start. Watching the fireworks from the window and cleaning my foot and my floor. I should of known. I ended up losing my job in the beginning of february, because i failed my probation. It was very gutted at the time, but it was kind of a blessing really. Because i was so unhappy in that position. I would say the main positive thing that has come out of this year, is starting my new job. I am finally starting to feel comfortable and made me realise that crying on public transport was not necessary. I think that is a good sign that it's going alright i guess?
On the flip side, about a year and half i have been a single little bee. Which hasn't been too bad, been trying to do my own thing. I wanted to concentrate on myself, improve shit and be a better person. I went on holiday by myself in october, got stranded five hours away from my accomodation and managed to hike with some strangers from the plane. Despite my mum's concerns, i did not get murdered, which made the holiday a bit more enjoyable. However, not until recently, i kind of realised how fucking lonely i feel, i didn't think about it for a while, i wanted to busy myself up. My past and only relationship lasted for 10 years, despite how much i cared for him, feelings changed and i didn't think it was fair to lie to him. He still probably hates me for it, but we are still good friends and i still care. When it ended in september 2017, I remember months after, i felt so confused, weird, out place. Like some kinda deranged caged animal, being let out into the woods for some well earned day release. This feeling was there for a long time, actually i still kinda feel like that. I still feel like a complete alien and so out of place. So when i do finally find someone worth talking to, i get so excited and my mind runs away with me. It's like it's screaming "thank fuck, someone isn't terrified by my existence". I have realised that i can't do casual when it comes to feelings, i am too intense. I just want to love people. I am like a fucking needy puppy. I start to think about all the possible, fun things we can do together, all things i want to share, i want to tell them about my experiences, i want to share everything. And i want it to be recipiated. All i have ever wanted was someone to share things with, and to put the effort in to me back. I wanted to feel that fucking effort. Because god damn, once that effort is there, i will punch the effort so back in to their face, it's gunna hurt.
Maybe my expectations are too high, i have no idea what the fuck i am doing. But, when things fail, or not to what i wanted. All i can think is, 'what the fuck is wrong with me? Why am i not good enough?" I have been told in the past that they were talking to me like one of their guy friends, which is fine. But now it's all i can think about, am i too manly?! Maybe i spend too much time in bed, maybe i am not thin enough. All these thoughts make me feel like a worthless piece of shit. But, i swear to god, i have so much more to offer.
While, i stood next to the river last weekend, debating whether to jump in. Some guy came up to me with his dog and asked me if i was okay, i told him 'im fine' and he continued to say "shit is only temporary". It made me cry.
So, thanks random man. I will keep that in mind.